It’s been a while since I started writing about what I’ve been doing – something I’ve been doing for… ever. I said this morning “I just need to get married, because the majority of this is that I’m just sick of being alone.” – Which is true… to an extent.
I mean yes I’d like to be part of a couple but not just anyone will do. I miss my ex too, but even he isn’t the one for me. We were extremely compatible sexually – really compatible. He could make me cum by touching me – I just thought about it and felt a little jolt – best sex I’ve ever had. But is great sex enough? Not at all.
It’s not money, or a pretty face, or style – even though those things are important to me. It’s something else… and I don’t know what it is I’m looking for in a partner.
I thought I was gay for a while, then I moved to thinking maybe I was bisexual. I’m searching desperately – flailing around trying to find this thing I want and I don’t know what it is. I know what I don’t want though. Boy do I know that extremely well right now.
I don’t want a woman sexually. I don’t want a one night stand. I don’t want this empty feeling that accompanies my thirst. I don’t want the potential embarrassment that could come with fucking random guys in a small town. I don’t want to hurt anymore.
I know what I don’t want – but this thing I need… it eludes me.
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