Hey, cocksucker! Yeah, you in the taco hat. I have some questions.
What happens if you try to rape a masochist? One of those chicks who like to be called whores (which is convenient, because that’s what I call them anyway) and held down? Would she report it, or would she start calling her friends to brag about how she got ass-fisted in a dark alley? As a rapist, would that kill the turgid loin roast? What if she was into it, but fought back like she wasn’t? Would it be like a challenge to make her sorry she ever wore that “Rape Me, Mister!” tank top? You could nail her tits to the top of a dumpster and lop off her toes with bolt cutters and make her eat them while you cut holes in her thighs and put your balls inside and jerk off. But there’s still a chance she’s a total pain slut and she’ll recount the whole thing on Facebook, talking about how “hawt” it was to almost bleed to death. My rule of thumb: if she cums, you’re not going to prison.
If poor countries are so good at growing chocolate and making clothes, why don’t we buy them and turn them into factories? They’re fucking poor. Offer them a black-and-white tv to put by the community well and they’ll be on our side. Give them something to do, pay them in rice, and we get the same shit we’re buying now, but without all the fees. If they’re really good, import them to the States to be hookers and waiters and let them send some extra rice home to their billions of cross-eyed cousins. Turn the rich countries into vacation destinations and let the poor here do stuff like serving hamburgers and refilling ATMs. The entire economy can be based on the fact that we kick ass and everyone wants to come here. It’s been working for fucking Europe for years!
If abstinence is so great, why do so many Catholics girls have herpes? I mean, I don’t have real statistics, but I’ve seen the sores. And isn’t it convenient that these chaste women tend to marry chaste men, so neither of them ever hear about how fucking terrible they are? That, or the men have been fucking around and can’t say anything because that would let the pussy out of the bag. Why are priests constantly getting caught with their cocks in some kid or teen or other guy’s wife (who’s probably just searching for an orgasm because her husband has to reference the encyclopedia to remember what he’s doing)? I’m just saying… Spread your legs at a frat kegger and you’re fucked once or twice, maybe six times at the most. Keep yourself in the dark until a four-inch “great father” comes along and you’re fucked forever.
If weed’s such a powerful and evil drug, why aren’t potheads shiving each other in dark alleys? If it’s so detrimental to life, how have smokers I know moved into managerial positions, gotten married and raised children? I’d rather be in an argument with someone who’s high than someone who’s drunk. The guy who’s drunk isn’t going to start laughing in the middle of a stare-down and invite me over to play Pac-Man. Some of the effects are similar: both pot and beer will get your cock sucked. Only if you’re drunk, you’ll pass out and puke in her hair. And alcohol hasn’t done shit for California’s budget. 500,000 acres of vineyard is fucking stupid. Let’s say 200 g per plant, divided by market cost, offset by weather and the derivative of the Nikkei index… Fuck. Well, this guy says about 24 million a year, per acre. Grapes can suck my independently wealthy asshole.
I have more questions… but I need to get some clit typing done. So you’ll just have to tune in to my new PBS special. They wouldn’t let me finish taping it because I “use foul language” and “bit the production designer’s nipple.” But I’ve spliced it together with some infrared horse porn and the pilot for my puppet-based series: Frannie Fetus and Me. (Think Lambchop with more placenta.) As soon as I can get eFukt to host it, I’ll post a link. These guys are so big on censorship…
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